Gym. Tan. Laundry!

Or something like that. I have watched and enjoyed Jersey Shore approximately negative zero times. So if you are here looking for some Jersey Shore nostalgia and/or love from me for them.

Nope.

Click off. And Google “What is my life?” and carry on with your day. LOL.

Gym:

So if you remember last month… I’ve been obessesing about going to a gym. Mostly because I want to crush life just as beautifully as this fat black yoga-ing super hero that you should watch HERE:

Isn’t that AMAZING??? Like I’ll be honest… I screamed when they showed that full on shot of her and her belly cause man listen… Me and My belly. We be her. lol.. But you know what? Me and my belly really really really REALLY want to be as flexible, healthy, strong and in love with and unashamed of my body as her… and we aren’t. And there is very little excuse why we shouldn’t be.

I mean moving my body physically ALWAYS feels good to me. I freaking love that shit. I have never left the gym not feeling like a freaking Teenage Mutant Wonder Woman.

So I’m sucking it up.

Not in, Darling.

Up.

I’m sucking it up and I now find myself about 3.2 seconds away from signing up for a gym cause I love the gym and I found one, I had no idea it even existed. Et tu yelp.

Anyway, it has basically everything from last months list except for two things that are pretty major. No pool and one of the managers there is a major Trump supporter. Like major.

Like he’s an almost comical sterotype of what a Trump supporter is. He posts and reposts ridiculous memes and completely unresearched, completely false meme and infographics and when people question him on Trump’s policies, experiences, or pretty much anything he says things like. Get a JOB HIPPIE! Like a freaking modern day Archie Bunker minus the lovable sense of humor, decency, and kindness.

However… our interaction was good. Almost awesome in fact. He was kind, nice, professional, and pleasant. So, I’m going to check out the gym for a few more days. I’ll be honest. I don’t want to join strictly because of what he posted on his social media. But that’s his social media right? If he doesn’t care to use the google to find out how 99% of the facts and information he posted is completely false… I guess that his prerogative? He would probably write the same thing about me with my Bernie Loving, Obama supporting, Trump despising self. “She’s so dumb, bro!”

But maybe if we met each other as two good people, two hard working kind people who love our families, our lives and can be mutually respectful of each other we can each learn something from each other and figure this mess that America is becoming.

So, I’ll treat him with the same kindness and respect that I show all other human beings. And I’ll hope that when he interacts with me he’ll do the same. I wish I had some nice way to wrap this up. Some glimmer of hope and understanding that would make me feel safe knowing that I live in a world where seemingly decent people are able to overlook the very real indecencies of Trump and what his truly divisive campaign and possible policies could mean for our country because ???? Man, I don’t even know why they want to do that… But I want to be more healthy. I want to run and sweat and stretch and zumba and YOGA in a room full of black and brown and white and every one of us all. So, I’ll work it out on the treadmill and I’ll namaste him as much as I can with my fat black girl yoga powers… And I think that’s all I’ve got to say about that…

Wait one more thing.

Watch her again:


Namaste, bitches.

SistaTV loves you, Feeling the Bern, and Gym, Think, and Life.

One Response to Gym. Tan. Laundry!

  1. sistatv says:

    Testing…

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February

Okay so let’s see…

So the thing that keeps running through my head the most is: The only two emotions are fear and Love. Less fear. More love. Okay, dudes? K.

Financial:

YNAB ( You need a budget) is all the bae you will ever need. It’s really life altering. I have all kinds of goof ass issues around money. But almost all of it is based in Fear with a capital F. YNAB is helping me to view money and bills and all that stuff with Love with a capital L. Its a process but when I do use it and actually do it is definitely more love most times. Admittedly, when I have less than I want and need the fear creeps up. HOWEVER. I always have enough. Mostly, by miracles cause Jesus is the homie but also by ME. Cause I’m out here doing it. And I’m doing a pretty bang up job.

So the thing about YNAB is that ” Every dollar has a job” So when you get income you assign every dollar a job by category and that’s that. This month, I decided that I didn’t want to assign ANY dollars to eating out. This  was a big deal because eating out is one of my most favorite things ever. But Looking over the purchases from my restaurants categories I realized I wasn’t using that money for very many enjoyable and really lovely eating out experiences. I took the kids to a brazillian steakhouse well worth the exorbitant price. They loved it and we had a blast.   But for the most part, I’ve been using the money that I’ve assigned to this category for like quick drive through runs for quick dinners to places that I don’t want to give any of my eating out money too. So I cooked and planned ahead and save for a few emergency slip ups. We did great and I saved a ton of money.

I think the most important thing that happens with the YNAB is that knowing that every dollar has a job makes me think really carefully about the assignment I want to send them on. Like if I have $20 bucks left do I really want to spend 5 bucks hear and there on some random value meals? Or do I want to take the $20 and go to that new amazing restaurant I’ve been dying to try? It’s a pretty easy choice for me.

Physical:

I am unhealthily obsessing over getting a gym membership. I really, REALLY, REALLY, like going to the GYM. LIKE REALLY. When I get into a groove and go regularly. That shit is like AIR to me. But here are the things:

1. I like going to the gym whenever the fleek I want to. Sometimes at 3am, I want to run until I almost vomit on the treadmill and then cool myself down by jumping in the pool. I like going at 6:23AM when all the lunkheads are just feeling that wave of roid rage hit. Or at 11:16 when the Mocha Moms, elderly ladies, and I go and Zumba are asses off. Or right at 5:30pm when we all stand and impatiently wait for the folks who beat the rush hour to get off of the F-ing elliptical already.

2. I mentioned this above but I NEED a freaking pool and a hot tub. I know most gym pools are cesspools but lawd. I live for that after workout hot tub time. The joy I feel from literally sitting there boiling in my own filth with 3 old ladies, a dirty old man and at least 4 couples trying to casually HJ each other is remarkable.

3. I need childcare. I RARELY leave the kids with anyone ever at all I actually actively go out of my way to plan my life so that I’m available and present with these jokers. Every other weekend, I can sophistiratchet , kick it karate, and boo and bae it up but the rest of that time if for the KidTV’s. It works and it Non-Negotiable. HOWEVER, I also love the HELL out of zumba, cardio kickboxing, hip-hop yoga, or what ever other ridiculous group fitness classes that are all the rage at the moment. And those are ALWAYS during the worst times ever. So I’m okay with spending 2 of those hours, Swiveling my hips to the musical stylings of Pitbull while the kids play and lick germs off the other kids in the Daycare area.

4. I AM NOT PAYING 50-11 gamillion dollars, hoe. So this is where I need to kind of figure it out right? So that $20 for that ONE nice meal at the new restaurant we talked about earlier? YASS GAWD. Only $20 for one meal? That is an amazing value. I’ll take 4 please. BUT $29 a month for the GYM? Bish is you sick? What kind of highway robbery, scam racket are they running up in this joint? NOPE. Not today, satan. NOT TODAY. Also THEY betta not try to charge me a gamillion dollars for the daycare we discussed above. $2 per hour per kid TOPS…

So there is a gym like negative -5 seconds from my house. Literally, RIGHT up the street from me.

It’s $30 a month and some exorbitant initiation fee but the kids care is $15 per month per kid. So I would pay $45 for child care but only $30 for the club. It is also NOT 24 hours. It has the audacity to be closed at 8 pm on some days? Really BISH? REALLY?

Its also has the worst times and selections of available group classes. Like 2 a day. 2:17pm Golden Sneaker Boot Camp and 8:52am Yoga for Starbucks and Yugi-oh Enthusiasts. Or some shit but basically the times don’t work.

The pool smells like ass cranks and cheese so… I guess, I got that going for me.  Lol

So uh… Yeah. No gym for me… Yet. But some how. Soon. I’m going to figure it out. I miss the gym and that has to change.

Spiritual:

I didn’t go to church enough this month. I’m not happy with that but I didn’t go last week either so there’s that. I really want to like the local churches I’ve gone to a couple times here but I’m not in love yet. Either way that’s not an excuse as to why I can’t go and get my life at any church on a Sunday. It centers me. It’s so good for me. So…???

Emotional:

Boundaries are hard. But also extremely awesome. There are a lot of people who I would prefer not to read this who are reading this right now because they won’t respect my boundaries anywhere ever. But I mean this is my public blog so I mean what do I expect. I know they are here… (WHY?) but I enjoy the words so I’m going to keep writing them…

That being said I would like to DRRAAAGGGGG a couple of peoples but I shant. If you think its you… IT IS.  Basically, I’m really pleased with the distance, I’ve put in between myself and many others and I’m also really pleased at the closeness I’ve gotten with myself and some other others. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that. ;p

Social:

Started wearing less and going out more
Running out of pages in your passport…

-Drake

PS. Please STOP calling me on your cell phone. Late night when you need the love you should have gotten from your parents, yourself, and your current partner.

K. Thnx. Bai.

 

SistaTV Loves you, (not you douchebag), writing, and the month in review.

 

 

 

 

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StoryTime with SistaTV

So Let’s flip the language:

So Tim and his boss are at a conference and Tim’s boss Jonathan asks Tim and his wife to come to a dinner meeting with him and his wife to meet with some investors. The meeting goes great. After the investors leave, Tim’s boss turns to his wife and Tim’s wife and says, “Ladies, Tim and I are going to need to figure out the logistics of this deal tonight. Why don’t you girls go hit the hotel spa on me.” Tim doesn’t want to be rude and is up for a promotion and his wife is all about that free massage life so it’s all good…

They head up to the boss’s suite to view the projections on the Jonathan’s laptop. Even though he initially declines, Jonathan makes Tim a celebratory drink and says, “Man don’t be a punk. You betta take it to the head! We landed this huge deal!! ” or if Tim says, “Man, my sinuses are acting up and Jonathan hands him a pill and says try this! This works excellent for my sinuses… ”

And then 2 hours later, Tim can’t form words, is in a thick haze and can’t walk or scream and then Tim wakes up butt naked with Jonathan’s penis in his mouth or anus and is too drugged up to stop Jonathan. Tim keeps quiet for years because of shame, embarrassment but then finds out that there are other men in his industry with similar experiences.

So because Tim willing drank the drinks and/or took the pills from Jonathan … Tim also consented to sex?? Additionally, Tim should probably keep his mouth shut he gets paid very well (free spa!) and because the company Jonathan owns is doing amazing things in the community and Jonathan is a real pillar of excellence?

One more thing, Tim is your son.

 

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Single Mothers Father’s Day or Whoa, there buddy! Your misogyny is showing!

Single Mothers Father’s Day or Whoa, there buddy! Your misogyny is showing!

I don’t want to alarm anyone and I ain’t one to gossip so you ain’t heard it from me, BUT apparently there is a rag tag band of violently embittered, single mothers running WILD all over the world and social media engaging in an illuminati inspired bid to co-opt Father’s Day? Y’all, I’m just as SHOCKED as you. When I found out about this major crisis (for whom, exactly??) me and this obviously worthless bastard baby of a sinister single mother were like…

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But then I remembered I’m not dumb as hell and I was all like…

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Cause chile, I had absolutely no idea. You would think I would have picked up my father’s day co-opting protocols when I picked up my single mother registration forms  but just like all the welfare and the bitterness I’m supposed to have endless supply of… I still ain’t got none of it.

However, based on the staggering amount of social media foolishness I’ve seen all up and down these internet streets, there are a dangerous bunch of Captain Phillip type pirating single mother’s running around here commanding ownership of Father’s day like it’s an endangered international cargo ship. And furthermore, it seems like you keyboard crusaders and your vitriolic comments now absolutely HAVE to go together like peas and carrots to make sure these single mother bandits are apprehended toot sweet!

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EVERYBODY PANIC!!! They climbing in your windows and they snatching your neckties up!

Clearly all of your good concerned citizens are dedicated not only to posting WorldStar fight videos but you have also nobly pledged to use your social media platforms for the greatest good (lulzforever) by hatefully blasting women because you are just doing your civic duty to protect your misogyny? Hallmark? Your daddy? Or something …

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It’s really surprising to me because I am a single mother myself, I have a gazillion single parent friends, and I even run a single mother’s group. So if any body should have know about the single mama Father’s Day Set It Off type Heist, it should have been me.

And I don’t know how its possible but all you women haters tireless volunteer single mama monitors will be elated to know not a single solitary one of the single mothers I’ve come across have DEMANDED or even meekly requested anyone recognize them for Father’s Day at all.

None of them are out here trying commandeer your Father’s Day discount at Chili’s.

None of them are asking their kids to call them Daddy.

None of them have shown up at your Daddy’s/husband Grill and demanded that they are the ones who “didn’t even need boil them ribs” at the Father’s Day cookout.

Rest easy, good samaritan. Not a single one of us have stepped over welfare lines to threaten the apparent fragility of Father’s Day.

The single mothers that I know, regardless of the relationships they or their children’s have with the fathers, haven’t said much more than Happy Father’s Day! Some have specifically recognized brothers, uncles, friends, boyfriend’s and husbands who’ve stepped into father figure roles cause they space wasn’t filled. And some have specifically recognized their children’s fathers for making sure the space of father was beautifully filled despite their relationships.  But even the ones who would be well within their rights to read their willfully absent co-parents for FILTH for failing to do the right thing (or anything) for their own children have kept their peace as they handle all the responsibilities of their children today and everyday…

But you know who is stuck on single mothers on Father’s Day?? YOU.

All up and down the TwintasnapbookFace there you are posting and reposting ignorant status after status, poorly written meme after meme, cruelly demeaning and disrespecting single mothers and women everywhere because of these imaginary Single Mothers Father’s Day thieves masquerading as single moms in your feeble mind.

In the great words of famed philosopher, Q-Tip…

“Now, Why you wanna go and do that, love, huh? “

Now, if you ask me I think it’s because too many of y’all are horrible fucked up sexist, misogynistic concern trolling jack-asses who should never be allowed to post public statues   mistakenly believe a lot of ridiculous tropes and stereotypes about single mothers because you are  just plain dumb confused? Jumping on a bandwagon? Actually a hateful person?

Chile, I don’t  claim to know what is going on with any of y’all, and since ain’t nobody ask me shat, I’ll keep all two of my cents, but before I go roll around in my obviously ill begotten single mother alimony/child support/governmental welfare/food stamp/section 8 gains like Scrooge McDuck, I do want to ask you, brave internet commenter….

What’s the end game?

Who is this kind of hatefulness, name calling, women bashing for?

What do you gain by announcing that a women who do what two parents are supposed do, are bitter, busted, and disgusted if they accept a kind word from, or give a kind word to someone who appreciates all they do for their own children?

It may as well come as a surprise to you, but I’ve never wished a woman Happy Father’s Day and i have no intentions to do so…. Furthermore, I am perfectly fine with and stand by your own personal decision not to honor any woman or single mother on Father’s Day or single father on Mother’s day. If you don’t want to honor single parent on the opposite holiday, do you boo!

But why on earth do you have to bash them? Why is so much of this conversation steeped in nastiness?

And most importantly… If someone, chooses to honor the opposite single parent on the holiday….   WHY DO YOU CARE?

I don’t give not a one damn, if a single father who parents alone enjoys Mother’s Day because who cares??

It’s foul y’all… And you really need to stop. For too many reasons for me to name but mostly because of one thing…

You know who I have seen say Happy Father’s Day, Mama or Happy Mother’s Day, Daddy…

The kids.

The children who were raised in a homes where a mother or a father can easily be passed over on any holiday simply because they are not there.

In classes, when kids make Father’s Day cards and gifts, is little Billy supposed to just sit there and twiddle his thumbs cause his Daddy disappeared? NO. He’s going to make his painted macaroni poster’s for the father figure’s in his life and if he happens to give it to his Mother. She’ll say, Thank you and move the hell on with her day.

Why won’t you?

And there are the adults who are grown enough to know the sad truth that on the Father’s Days the spent as a child, Daddy wasn’t there but Mama was… These are the people who participate in this kind of video. And since having a parent taken away for any reason is terrible; it’s especially painful if the reason is being born to a parent who was too *(&(^&^*^*%*# to help raise them….

I’m going to just let them big up their mom’s just a little bit for this one extra day for all the extra work they saw their mother do for them everyday and keep it pushing.

The fact is parents can have a Titanic filled BOAT FULL of issues with each other about every thing, but if you are there for your children you’ll get a Happy Mother’s Day, Mama and a Happy Father’s Day, Daddy and there won’t be any questions about who deserves what.

But apparently there are questions.

So now I have a suggestion…. Instead of bashing those who’ve had to step into the roles of both mother and father, why not call the parents who you KNOW have allowed their roles to be left vacant to task?

Not bash, hell not even criticize just talk to them and Ask them to step back up and into their own flesh and blood’s lives.

Why not spend your Father’s Day Women Bashing energy on encouraging and actually assisting your friends, cousins, uncles, boyfriends, husbands, brothers, Daddys, sons, co-workers, or whatever man you know who is falling short on a responsibility to his children to step up and step in to his rightful position? Same thing for women who are falling short on Mother’s Day…. How can you help these people help their kids?

Maybe they won’t step up to do the mommy/daddy stuff that the present parent can’t or shouldn’t have too…. but why won’t you?

Want a single mother to make sure her kids know Father’s Day is for Father’s?

Be a father figure.

Instead of spending your day fighting with supposedly bitter people about what they should be doing why not spend the day with a fatherless kid who is missing out on this day, too? I’m 100%  sure there are more kid’s suffering through that then there are people co-opting holidays.

Where are your impassioned pleas for them?

Too many of you KNOW and associate with men and women who are terrible and/or willfully absent in their kids lives but #kermitlife…. That’s none of your business??

But in the off chance a single mama might get an extra pat on the back this day you at your keyboard like this….

 

FOR WHY??? God forbid there could be 4 single parents who get to experience the supposedly undeserved privilege of the special kind of hell that is an unsolicited holiday group text….

So why is THIS your business, Captain Save A Holiday??

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are going to be just fine.

Look, the fact is everybody has their own relationship with their parents, co-parents, these holidays, and life is hard as hell sometimes.  A kind, supportive word on any day, holiday or not, can do a lot of good for someone just trying to make it through. Male or Female. Mom or Dad.

Just be kind and please, kindly keep your hateful business off everyone especially single parents, their children, and any man or woman who steps up handle the business of doing the work of two because of someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t the work of one.

SistaTV loves you…

P.S. Too many of you are going to trot out this hackneyed sob story so many willfully absent parents and their defenders use that usually includes “he/she is keeping my kids away from me!!”

First, that is a rare situation, short of abusive situations, 99% of single parent everywhere are grateful to have a partner to shoulder the enormous responsibilities of parenting.

Furthermore, go sit in a family court room on any given day, right and wrong, you’ll watch dozens of men and women who shouldn’t be awarded joint care or custody of a dead gnat be given that and generous visitation because the court system is dedicated to keeping both biological parents active in children’s lives.

Maybe it won’t be the amount of time you want, maybe it won’t be how you want it, maybe they won’t live where you want, but if you want to see your kids and are not actively abusive or a clear and present physical threat to your kids, they will let you see your kids and remain an active part of their lives.

So be actively honest and go see your kids if you want to… or at the very least be actively honest enough to admit that there are way too many parents who aren’t doing anything for their children and refrain from bickering and bashing the people who are.

PPS. Because this post is not about me, I refrained from talking about my dad or my kid’s dad but it seems appropriate to say that despite whatever major and/or minor issues, I may have or had with them or they may have or had with me… Today, I wished them both Happy Father’s Day. No one person is all one thing and one of things that they both are are men whose children grew up calling them Daddy because they are Fathers who have contributed to their kid’s lives. Happy Father’s Day.

 

 

 

 

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The Divinity in Disappointment or an Ode to Warsan Shire & TwentySomething Sistatv

The Divinity in Disappointment or an Ode to Warsan Shire & TwentySomething Sistatv

The Divinity in Disappointment or an Ode  to that one time Warsan Shire wrote SistaTV’s whole 20 something life…

Sometimes, I have these random encounters with men and women who tell me how despite how life has disappointed them in some magnificently hurtful ways they can stand here at peace with their pasts and actually be grateful for it all. I always shout and act surprised when then tell me their stories and what they’ve conquered but the truth is I always know a conqueror immediately.

I can always see the light of those of us who have cut the rot out at the root and healed before any words have come out of their mouths. I can see the miracle of forgiveness and the good in goodbye reflecting in all of our eyes.

And because I saw it in deep within my own eyes for so long, I can just easily recognize those people that I meet that have a still broken but kindred spirit. I always try to tell them that one day they’ll be on the other side of the unavoidable pains of life with me and the rest of the us who somehow made it and found the divinity in disappointment.

You know, up until a while ago, I would tell anyone that would listen that if I could find 20 Something year-old Senam I would drag her ass behind a dumpster in a back alley somewhere and FUCK HER all the way up. I mean, seriously if given the chance I would have punched myself dead in the mouth and have proceeded beat the BRAKES right off of myself because 20 something year-old Senam had made so many f’d-up, purely stupid, how could you have missed the HUGE DISCO LIT RED FLAGS,why didn’t you trust your gut, girl, WTF are you thinking, hot messiness that 30 Something Senam has now found herself drowning in.

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That’s one of the only pictures of I have of me in a very pretty dress and a broken spirit still shining like a beautiful bawse on the way to the dopest wedding that will ever BE, to reconfirm a very bad decision  that was the walking, talking living breathing embodiment of Warsan Shire’s beautiful poem, 34 excuses for why we failed at love.

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This ones better…YAS GAWD HEADWRAP!

 

Years and years later, all the things my heart had whispered and my head had wondered that day were proven correct as I wept silently as my lady parts doctor quietly confirmed what my women’s intuition had already been screaming about my marriage.

And then shit really hit the fan… I tried to die and failed. I found Warsan Shire and those poem and decided to live. And I then understood the goodness of God and the power of grace, learned the 4 agreements, and miraculously found my self truly able to forgive everyone who play a part in my pain. Well everyone except for me.

You see my favorite of the 4 agreements was, “Take Nothing Personally” and chile that is a PREACH. I couldn’t take any of the massive, massive bullshit that went down personally so somehow I found myself free from anger about any of it…

I was not angry with my ex for any of the seemingly gazzilion ways he hurt me. I wasn’t mad at the side chicks. I wasn’t mad at the new chicks. I wasn’t mad at the friends and family who chucked me the deuces when I decided to live my life with an honesty that shone a light too bright for their own personal darkness. I forgave them all way before they’ll ever give me any of the apologies I no longer need…

But despite accepting all those apologies received or not,There was one apology that I received repeatedly and needed completely but I could not accept.

You see after all hell broke loose in my life, I began to apologize to myself for the responsibility I had for the state of tomfoolery I found my life in. We all have to take full responsibility for the messes we make or allow others to leave in our lives.

I would beg me to forgive me cause I knew I needed it but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t because I was pisseeedddd to the highest level of pissitivity at nobody BUT me.

SistaTV presents the SistaTV Self-Talk Show:

ME: I’m so sorry, Senam.
Also ME: FUCK YOU and ya sorry. You should have known! HOW could you not have known!

ME: I’m soo sorry, Senam.
Also ME:Save ya raggedy ass sorries. Sorry can’t give me shit. #forcoloredgurlswhogottiredofsorrycausetheworldhadgiventhemtoomuchshit

ME: Senam, Please, please I need you to forgive me. I’m so so sorry.
Also Me: I hate you.

Ya’ll I was mad at me. I took that shit EXTRAL personal because shit a it was me!! I was fucking livid with myself because more than I was disappointed in the destruction of my whole life. I was so terribly disappointed in how deeply I had let myself down. It don’t get no more personal than that…

The thing about me is when you really get down to it a lot of my life all I ever had was ME. And I held ME DOWN (in the good way)! I always had my own back no matter what. This is not to say I haven’t had amazing help and significant support in so many ways from so many wonderful people in my life. That is just to say is that when push comes to shove and where the rubber meets the road I, just like you, am the only one responsible for my life and its outcomes. You are 100% responsible for you. No hero. Nobody just you and your own personal responsibility to always, always be the only one who you can count on to do what is best for you and the life you want to lead.

And up until this point I had done pretty darn well by myself except for this one thing… When I realized how completely I had failed myself at this thing that I had always believed I desperately needed to get 100% right. I found it completely impossible to forgive myself. How could I? I had given my whole entire self over to this one thing because This was my forever. This was my future. This was my whole life. My best thing and because I didn’t trust my gut enough to demand better for myself I would lose everything I had ever wanted. There was no turning back and nowhere to go and it was all my stupid, stupid fault.

In those moments I felt so hopeless. So broken. So lost. So imaginE my surprise when I found a long, long, since forgotten about email account and somehow found my way.

You may or may not know this about me but I’ve been documenting my life in some way shape or form online since I first had constant access to the internet. I built my first website for myself in 1998 with flashies and blinkies and glitter and html that I learned from learning how to AskJeeves to google the web before there was a Google to google. After that I had a little journal on friendster and then myspace and then long before SistaTV.com. There was a Blogspot blog that I started as “Black BuddahFly” long before full time blogger was a billion dollar business.

Back then I chose to write about my life and my loves, as a way to sort out my confusions about what to do then but it wasn’t until 30something Senam stumbled across the words of 20something Senam had written with such fearless candor, that I finally understood.

You see 20 something Senam had done a really great job for herself. She knew what she wanted out of life and had taken the responsibility to get as much of that as she can. But there was one thing that she needed that left a hole so great in her spirit that she gave up everything, ignored her gut, and made the choices she made because she was so needfully hopeful that somehow it would finally give her some semblance of the one thing that she wanted more than she wanted anything else….

I was almost rabid

for love.

Would’ve lunged at any thing

thrown my way

carcass, shadow, memory, promise

shell of a man.

I thought it was better

to be loved by a dead thing

than to be left alone.

-Warsan Shire

I stayed up all night that night. I read my old blogs, old poems, old email exchanges, old status updates, old journal entries. I looked at all the pictures and all the broken pieces that 20 something year old Senam had left for 30 something me and I put us back together.  

That night  I t finally got it… As 30 something year old Senam the conqueror sat there silently weeping for the broken-hearted girl I once was…. I finally understood the divinity in the disappointment.

I realized that yes I probably knew then that what I know now but I didn’t choose better for myself because what you can convince yourself to believe when you are broken is 100 million miles away from what you KNOW once you are finally healed.

So, I finally forgave 20 something Senam and told her exactly what 30 something me finally knew on the day I decided to fight the fight of my life and honor myself enough get out of the mess 20 something Senam had made and get into the life I’m divinely ordered to lead.

I said…

Senam, You are worthy.

Senam, You are enough.

Senam, I forgive you and

Senam, I love you.

Forever and ever.

At last, I forgave 20 something Senam, healed her broken heart and gave her the true love she had mistakenly tried to find outside of herself once and for all . And now and forevermore she, me, her and all the 40 something Senams all the way down to 220 something year old Senams to come are finally, finally free to spread our wings and fly toward the sweetest thing we’ve ever known.

 

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