Hello Internets…. I’m sad.
I wrote this ages ago with the intention of publishing it to XoJane. But if feels right here.
Hello Internets… I’m sad.
That’s really all I want to say. But Emily and Jane are so picky. You need content, You need a story… Uhhh Senam… You need some words. Picky, Picky, Picky…. But the thing is right now I don’t think I have any. I have pain. I have sadness. I have panic inducing fear. So standing in this moment, words seem like they are in such short supply.
I think it’s because I feel so blindsided by it all. So hopelessly t-boned by, “Wait…. What???” A few days ago something happened and I hollered out loud… So this is what you are on, JESUS?? This is what’s hot in the streets, GOD? What the F–K is wrong with you… I’m supposed to have all this favor!! Child o’ God here… Checking in for my blessings! That is what you said in that big ol’ bible thing. I’ve read like almost 30 whole pages of that thing but I know it say it in there, somewhere. Book of JESUS. Chapter SENAM. Verse ME. I’m supposed to have infinite blessings rain down on me. THE END. But the only thing wet around here are my cheeks. And they are not tears of joy, homie…
Then there are the times when I begin attacking myself with all the things that are wrong with me. You are fat. You are so freaking disorganized. You deserved this. You don’t make any money. You should be happy with whatever you can get! Why are you surprised? You know you are not worthy. During those moments my inner voice becomes Antoine Dodson and all I can think to myself is, “You are so dumb, you are really dumb, FOR REAL!!!”
Luckily, The real Senam is voiced by the lovely Sweet Brown who quickly silences Antoine by hollering back… Lawd Jesus, It’s a LIAR…. Hopefully soon, I will get the sweet relief of some cold pops of Joy… I got time for that.
Underneath it all I am completely certain that when I get to the other side of this I will look back at this moment lying on my couch, typing these words, and fighting to sob more quietly so I won’t wake my babies from their sweet dreams…. I know that eventually (soon?) this will be over and I will look back at this the worst time of my life and be certain it is what got me to the best times of my life. I can see it. I can smell it. I can hear myself, standing squarely in the marvel of it all, shouting “ Look at what God can do.”
I’m so excited by that certainty. But I’m so fearful of the uncertainties. What more do I have to go through to get to where I’m going? If I close my eyes and imagine the future, I can see myself smiling, joyful, and proud of what all I did. I know I will make it. But I can’t see the journey and the growing pains are so piercing… that the next steps seem impossible to take.
So I’m sad internets. Really, really sad. But I’m happy I have you. You guys and your comments have been exactly what I needed to help me keep pushing through.
And even though they were harder to find, I’m glad I still have the words. Because like God and my eternally joyful heart, the words always find me. The words always lift me up. The words always guide me out. The words always set me free. So I’m going to hang on to the words, my God, and my heart and trust that they will take me exactly where I need to go. I have faith and will you look at that internets, somehow, someway, I even had some words.
Senam SistaTV Amegashie spends most of her time waiting for someone to give her a TV show, already! While waiting for that to happen you can find her @sistatv Tweeting (http://www.twitter.com/sistatv
), @sistaTV Facebooking,( http://www.facebook.com/sistatv), and making hilarious but wonkily edited SistaTV Youtube videos (http://www.youtube.com/sistatv). And remember SistaTV ( LINK:http://www.sistatv.com) Loves you!