A few weeks ago, LilDivaTV came home furiously waving a field trip form in my face.
“Mommy, Mommy, can you come with us? Can you be the Class Field Trip Mom?”
I was already to say, “HAYLE NAW!” But then I knew she would give me this face and…
But what am I? A monster? Like a DUMMY, I said, “Yes!” And quickly rested my hope on sending in the permission slip a skosh bit too late, so some of the other overzealous parents could get dibs on being the Class Field Trip Mom or Dad.
For a moment there, the teacher was concerned that there would be too many parents for me to be able to go…
AWWWW! Too Bad! So SAD!
I carefully furrowed my brow and tried not to shout, “YIPPEEE” while I struggled to hide my sheer elation. I choked back the tears of joy, as I earnestly said, “Awww MAN!! WELP! That’s just too bad! But I totally understand Mrs. Teacher. Its really NOOO problem, if you can’t squeeze me in on this trip! Don’t worry, LittleDivaTV! There is always next time!”
Next time meaning, the next time Sway is able to get the answers or Kanye West is able to control his emotions and behave like a fully rational grown adult for 72 consecutive hours… ie NEVER.
But alas the devil is a bold face lie, so this afternoon, LilDivaTV’s lovely teacher notified her that I should report to the school at 8:30, because I had made the Parent Pack for this field trip…
WHY JESUS?? WHY!
So, tomorrow I am going to find myself on a bus and then in a museum with 31 second graders for the ENTIRE day.
30 of them who I am legally NOT able to bust up side the head, one good time if they even think of trying it with me!
We don’t even get the fun of going to McDonald’s for pink slime burgers or anything. Don’t you remember when we were little we used to go to McDonald’s after the class field trip? Or was that just the Obesity Elementary I went too? Hmmm…
Well, LittleDivaTV’s school has SPECIFICALLY requested we refrain from packing with fun snacks in home lunches! No chocolate. No fruit snacks! Nothing…
Because I’m the field trip mom I have to pretend to enjoy my deliciously healthy sprout sandwich with a side of sandpaper chips.
And on top of all that, because all of your kids are WEAK as ever, we can’t even do tradesies. Because ALLERGIES!
I’ll let MamaTV take the wheel on this one cause as she lovingly likes to point out every time she watches Dr. OZ or sees a Claritin commercial…
” What is Allergies? Who in Ghana had ALLERGY? If your motha give you FuFu and you open your FOOLISH mouth and say ALLERGY?? EH EH! YOU WILL SEE!! What is this KantaCross Allergy NONSENSE? MTCHEW!”
Please make sure you say that in a very annoyed Ghanian Mother accent for full effect.
I kid about the allergies, but like, what if somebody has yogurt covered raisins? What if somebodies mother loved them enough to hand make them delicious ants on a log? Or spent her entire morning constructing this kind of “ain’t nobody LITERALLY got time for that” school lunch??
What if my dream is to trade little Timmy his hand drawn MLK slice of Velveeta for my dried out.. I mean, delicious Sun Chips? NOPE. Nothing. Nada.
Because Darwin was right, I’m going to have to survival my tail into fitness and eat my own lunch… I shall deal. It will be fine, but lord knows, SistaTV is so not ready for a WHOLE DAY with all these kids.
To be honest, weak kids I can take… But some of ya’lls kids are bad! And in the words of my favorite old negro spiritual…Sung to the tune of “The Facts of Life”
You take the good. You take the bad. You slap the mess out of the kids that’s bad. The kids that bad. I’ll beat their A$$! Remix by SistaTV
I am being very negative in this post because by 8AM tomorrow super fantastic cheery, YAY let’s sing 99 bottles of beer on the wall AGAIN SistaTV/Mommy has to be here for the whole day… So I need to dump this here so I don’t slap one of your kids right into the lap of Jesus when he mistakes me for his Naughty Chair-ing Mommy and tries to tell me that he “can do whatever he wants!” I don’t have a Naughty Chair… I have a mean right hook.
SistaTV Confession of the day: I fight bad kids. No Retreat. No Surrender.
Sigh. I wish I was one of those rich women on sitcoms and the movies who exasperatedly walks out of a room, mid-conversation breathlessly sighing, ” I need a Xanax!”
But I’m not… I don’t even know what a Xanax really is and I am completely uninterested in finding out. So I’m going to have to grin and bear this cloudy day of SistaTV and the Class Field trip.
Lucky for me this cloud has the super dope extra silvery lining of, ” I get to spend the whole entire day with LilDivaTV and she is kind of everything. So Grumpy SistaTV is going to bed right now…. And I will dream of the hour long bus ride there spent giggling, bonding, and sharing secrets with my big girl and the hour long bus ride home spent snuggled up to my baby big girl as she falls asleep on my arm, after all the fun, fun, fun we had on “The day Mommy went on the class field trip with me!!”
I guess it won’t be so bad after all…. SistaTV and LittleDivaTV Love You.
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