Me, My Children, and the end of Christmas
A few minutes ago, while mindlessly surfing the endless glut of perfect mommy mom blogs, I saw a widget that said ONLY 8 days to Christmas!
You know, I knew that… But I didn’t KNOW that.
Some of that is because I am deeply affected with No Concept of Time-Itis. I talk about it more over here. Basically, I’m never completely sure what time it is. Ever.
I’ve done a lot of work to get over it so I was completely aware that today was December 16th, but the fact that December 25th was just a mere 8 days a way…. Knocked the breath right out of me.
You see I have been completely avoiding Christmas. I’ve been pretending that it’s not that close. That I have a few more days. That I have more time. Because I desperately NEED more time.
It is 8 days away from Christmas.
We don’t have a Christmas tree.
There are no jingle bells hanging from our door.
There are no Christmas lights twinkling from our roof.
No halls have been decked.
No gifts have been purchased, wrapped, or hidden away.
I want to tell you this is because of my time issue. Because of my old friend procrastination. Or because I am one of those 3.8 million last minute holiday shoppers.
I wish I could tell you that I was just waiting for the good deals on Christmas Eve. I wish I could tell you I had the DS that TwinBTV has been asking me, everybody, and every Santa for since March on back order. I wish I could tell you that I have already ordered the pink Lap Top that LittleDivaTV has been dreaming about . I wish I could tell you that my stomach doesn’t drop every single time TwinATV tells me how much fun it is going to be to play Thomas on his new LeapPad Ultra from Santa.
But I can’t.
I know it sounds all extra tragic and I am convinced this won’t always be the case. I’m very afraid that this year might be the end of Christmas.
Christmas is a big deal for me and the kids. Every year, I do everything I can to give them a memorable Christmas. Its never ever about the gifts. I try my best to get them what they ask for but whatever I can provide they love.
Because my kids are amazing. They don’t do bratty. They don’t expect anything and they don’t do ungrateful.
This completely hilarious video of me pulling the Jimmy Kimmel Christmas Prank on My Kids is complete proof that God and the Universe have blessed me mightily when it comes to my children.
That year, I watched Cassius happily exclaim, “It’s so beautiful” over a broken phone and I cried and cried and cried.
This year, I’m still crying.
This year, I chose myself over money. My peace of mind over emotional and financial abuse. This year I left their Daddy, his money, his control, and his mess and the price of that might be their Christmas.
There is not a single solitary doubt in my mind that by this time next year, Christmas will rise again.
There is no question that by next December, I will have gotten back complete control over my life. By December 2014, I will have healed from all the collateral damage left from my decision to divorce and to live.
Next year, when I take my children to Santa… Next year when they write their Christmas lists I will be able to give them what they want (within reason, lol) because this year I’m giving them what they need.
A happy, safe, powerful, unafraid mother who understood that sacrificing her ability to give them one gift and toy filled Christmas was way more important than sacrificing herself.
This year, I’m going to save their mother. Next year, I’ll save their Christmas.