SistaTV’s Fourth of July Family BBQ/ Cookout Rules aka Who made the potato salad? or Hashtag Open Pit is Basura.
Good Morning, Loves. I’m currently planning my 4th of July BBQ/Cookout Route… For YOUR convenience and the overall betterment of YOUR event, I’ll be bringing my own Tupperware, Aluminium Foil, and BBQ sauce. Hashtag Open Pit is Basura.
Additionally, I will be wearing my flirty, sexy, body skimming but appropriate #allsummer17 outfit so that your grandma will refrain from thinking I’m one of your little fast tail, hot in the ass little friends but your Uncle Earl will… ;p
I’m also wearing my comfy sandals, so when Step in the Name of Love comes on and your Cousin Charlene is looking for someone to step, step, side to side with all decked out in her all rainbow cornrows, rainbow Adidas slides, extra long rainbow basketball shorts and white tee, I’ll be right there to cut a rug with her.
I will only mention that the Pied Piper of R&B should be locked up UNDER THE DAMN JAIL once and will quickly concur that the 12-play album is in fact still the jammiest of jams, tho.
I will also “Come Here GUHL” when your Uncle from your Grandpa’s “outside” family, (who always wears pastel colored 4 piece suits and alligator shoes to every occasion, rain sleet or snow) hollers “Come Here, GUHL” and pulls me to the dance floor when Frankie Beverly, and/or “I be Stroking” comes on…
When the neighborhoods beloved favorite white boy with swag, White Greg, White Mark, or whatever his “Hi My name is” ass shoots his shot with me, I’ll politely decline (been there, done that, got the divorce decree?) and then introduce him to your Aunt Candy who has watched “Something New“, twice a day, every day, since she decided she aint wanna mess ” with Ray Ray broke ass no more.”
And I will also intently listen to your brother, Pookie, I mean Kwame Shadda X, as he powerfully explains the need to stay woke to the “man’s” three-prong plan to destroy the black community and family unit through Number 1. genetically engineered foods Number 2. women who deviously plot with their bodies to continue to have a monthly menstrual cycle EVERY MONTH!, and of course Number 3… Beyonce. “We didn’t land on Plymouth RockaFella, Queen. Beyonce did”.
I will not bat a single eyelash and will cheer and clap appropriately when Kwame Shadda X asks the DJ to put on Goodie Mob’s Beautiful Skin and proceeds to propose marriage to his blonde haired, blue eyed, Scandinavian queen, Becky with a kale infused neck bone that he carved into the shape of an engagement ring.
I will also be there to comfort and speak life into your middle aged+ something, never married, three degree-ed, MS, PHD, I-N-D-E-P do you know what that means, Steve Harvey Devotee, what I deserve in a man 4-page list carrying, too-many-year-old virgin niece Shanda from the soul burning. “You’ll find him girl and Frankly being a single and mingling grown old ass spinster like myself is LIT AF, Shanda! We catch Flights??… Not feelings, sis! Hashtag Black Girl Magic! ”
I will make a huge fuss about how Delicious your mom’s 18 layer Baked Mac and Cholesterol/ Spaghetti & Diabetes sauce is, and watch her proudly puff out her chest as she pulls me to the side to secretly share the family’s special ingredients to make them both (Aldi brand Velveeta bricks & stolen- uhh collected Splenda packets from Red Lobster and/or Golden Corral only “the Splenda from Old Country Buffet or the sto’… don’t taste right”?).
However… I will NOT be asking,” Uhh… who made the potato salad?” cause I don’t eat that nasty cold potato-ish anyway, and Shanda did the best she could y’all! She still learning!
I will not touch YO’ DADDY’s GRILL!! But will loudly proclaim, “DANG, WHO MADE THESE RIBS!! WAIT…. HE ain’t even BOIL THEeRIBS OR NOTHING?? WOOOOWWWW FALL RIGHT OFF THE BONE! !!! Even though I have clearly seen your daddy and his pot belly in an A-Shirt, coochie cutter white shorts, knee-high dress socks, and sandals toiling away over HIS custom designed Man Grill/Garbage can smoker and his lukewarm beer/half lit cigarrette all day. I’ll slap him five and make sure his friends Grady and Bookman see me give him a 1-2 second longer than it should be hug while I repeatedly exclaim that these are the Best ribs I’ve had at any cookout ever.
I will also completely ignore the “See Grady… I told you I still got it! These young gals still want a play” look he will give to them and the slap upside the back of his head your mama will give him for looking at my booty too hard when I walk away.
I’ll discreetly turn great-great grandma Ernestine’s wig right side up and help fish her teeth out the trash when they accidentally got thrown away along with her portion of Shanda’s potato salad.
I already know I’m a terrible Spades partner, so?? I ??won’t ??play??.
And YES I DO have games on my phone… MY OLD NOKIA PHONE so I will bring it, and its indestructible Bebe’s Kid proof self to the cookout and hand it over to you bad azz nieces and nephews and teach them how to play Minesweeper immediately.
I already know the cookout starts at 2, the food won’t be ready til 6 and will be all gone by 6:15 so I’ll see you at 5:45, so I can help bring all the food out and look like I did something.
I’ll also take ya daddy, uncles, and grandpas plates to the trash but I AINT NOBODY’s FOOL so I ain’t fixing NOBODY’S man a plate of NOT A GATDAMN THING cause SistaTV ain’t about that, “Barbara this is Shirley” I- just- want- to-come-to-you-as-a-woman life…
I will agree with ya catty ass complain about everything Aunty Berniece… It is a Gat damn shame that all these folks came to eat and made to go plates and ain’t even had the common decency to help clean up while I help load the dishwasher. I’ll also happily take one of the extra super packed plates she packed and put up for me and her kids only… since it’s clear that we are the only ones up in here with “any kind of good home training.”
Sooooo I’m ready for the Cookout?. .. Are you?
Please inbox me all your Cookout/Family BBQ information and correct addresses (FYI Craig n’ nem house is not a GPS-able address) and I will add you to The SistaTV loves you and your Family BBQ July Fourth Cookout Route and Schedule.
PS…Don’t worry if I can’t squeeze you in for the fourth… I’m available all summer 17 for Family Reunions, Baby Showers, Gender Reveals and of course… Labor Day…
SistaTV loves You, Melanin, and being everybody’s cousin Lucky… #weblackweallfamily
#sistatvlovesyou #cookoutrules #bbq #happyjuly4th #allsummer17 #openpitisbasura #sistatv #