Sista Sludge…


Thats the perfect way to describe the way I’ve been feeling lately… Sludge… I’m slow… My brain feels slow… My body feels slow… My heart feels slow… I feel like every step I take is surronded in sludge… Like walking through quicksand breathing thick air… It is an effort to do anything… ANYTHING… ANY THING…

The sheer level of exhaustion I’m facing is CRAY. I have never ever been this exhausted… And trust I breast fed twin baby boys while caring for thier 3 siblings… SO I know tired… So the fact that I am sitting here almost to tired to hold my head up an write this is baffling to me…

There are some physical causes for my fatigue. My horrible, terrible, no good, WTF is it this week Paragaurd IUD is definitely a big part of the problem. Anemia is another culprit. And not to mention this extra 40, 50, or 100lbs of weight I’m carrying can’t possibly be good for my energy levels…

But just as all of that should be weighed into my chronic fatigue, I must note the mental and emotional exhaustion has finally taken its toll. I want to list all the ish that went down but I am too tired to do it… This is all a big huge problem.
Cause exhaustedly laying in bed all day when your world is falling apart around you is NOT what is hot in the streets…

Currently, All I am doing is taking care of the kids.  I feed, wash, soothe, love, shuttle, soothe, bathe and do everything that is need for the kids… I’m not taking care of anything else… for me… or for anyone else really. I don’t eat. I don’t vlog. I don’t blog. I don’t write. I don’t create. I don’t connect. I don’t laugh. I don’t love. I don’t shine. I don’t happy. I don’t ME.  I’m just a mommy or a zombie…

And in the words of the greatest philosopher of our time…. Ain’t nobody got time for that…

So I’m trying to fight back now. I’m forcing myself to live. I’m forcing myself to get over the crushing disappointments of late… I’m forcing myself to put up my dukes and FIGHT for the life I know I’m destined to live. I’m forcing myself to look at the shambles that is my life and rebuild it right.  I’m forcing myself to pick myself up out of the sludge and dragging myself back into the light.

For a while I would get up every single morning and IMMEDIATELY get on my knees and say a prayer… Those days were good. The very first thing I did everyday was ask God to order my steps, heal my heart, focus my mind, and use all of me for the greatest good. That daily practice cleared my mind, soothed my soul, and consistently led me to the greatest good. So I’m going to commit to doing that again tomorrow cause the sludge isn’t me. Cause the zombie isn’t SistaTV.

SistaTV is victory…

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1 Comment

  • Me
    June 19, 2013 at 2:09 AM

    I totally feel you more than you know. Just remember ; what is for You No one can take allow. Walk in expectancy and stay ready! You won’t have to get ready !

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Welcome, Darling... So I'm supposed to write something really amazing here... But in the words of the greatest philospher of our time... Ain't nobody got time for that. I kid. I kid. Kinda. I'll update this someday... but for the time being... Just click around... and remember... SistaTV Loves You!

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SistaTv's Daily Gratitude List #sdgl
1.  I get ridiculously sick when I'm pregnant. Its not like anything you imagine.... it's worse.I threw up at minimum 7 times every single day of my pregnancy, I had an at home nurse to come give me ivs, a permanent zofran drip in my thigh, my pelvis dislocated, so I had a walker and a wheelchair,  I broke out in itchy rashes everywhere, scratched so much and on and on and on... 2.  When I was like 5.5 mos pregnant I got so dehydrated I passed out. In the emergency room, they took an ultrasound and told me the baby was perfectly fine but they needed to keep me at the hospital. 
3. When I got up to the room, the doctor was doing his rounds and came to check on me but the ultrasound from the er was not in my chart. 
4. He called down there but nobody picked up...As he opened the door to go check at the nurses station a tech was walking by with an ultrasound machine. He stopped her and said you know what let's just do an ultrasound here again and not waste time trying to find the other one. 
5. As he was doing the ultrasound, he was chatting me up and telling me this is good that is good, but then suddenly, I saw his face change, he stopped mid sentence.
6. Whats wrong? Silence. He spent a few moments flicking that ultrasound thingy across my belly in silence and then looked at my chart again weirdly. 
7. He said, Uh so did they tell you anything was different while you were down there? 
8. I am in a panic at this point. I say uhh no. They said everything is fine with the baby and you are going to say the same thing now too, right? 
9. He pointed to the screen... Yes everything is fine buttttt... this is Baby A... He moved his probe a little a and widen the screen... and...
10. "This is Twin B." .
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 SistaTV loves you, correcting people who say, "Oh TWINS oh you have Double Trouble"  by saying, "No Beloved... I have Double BLESSINGS" and his Mama call him Clay... Imma call him Clay. #goodmorning #twinmama #twinboys #worthit
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