The Divinity in Disappointment or an Ode to Warsan Shire & TwentySomething Sistatv
The Divinity in Disappointment or an Ode to that one time Warsan Shire wrote SistaTV’s whole 20 something life…
Sometimes, I have these random encounters with men and women who tell me how despite how life has disappointed them in some magnificently hurtful ways they can stand here at peace with their pasts and actually be grateful for it all. I always shout and act surprised when then tell me their stories and what they’ve conquered but the truth is I always know a conqueror immediately.
I can always see the light of those of us who have cut the rot out at the root and healed before any words have come out of their mouths. I can see the miracle of forgiveness and the good in goodbye reflecting in all of our eyes.
And because I saw it in deep within my own eyes for so long, I can just easily recognize those people that I meet that have a still broken but kindred spirit. I always try to tell them that one day they’ll be on the other side of the unavoidable pains of life with me and the rest of the us who somehow made it and found the divinity in disappointment.
You know, up until a while ago, I would tell anyone that would listen that if I could find 20 Something year-old Senam I would drag her ass behind a dumpster in a back alley somewhere and FUCK HER all the way up. I mean, seriously if given the chance I would have punched myself dead in the mouth and have proceeded beat the BRAKES right off of myself because 20 something year-old Senam had made so many f’d-up, purely stupid, how could you have missed the HUGE DISCO LIT RED FLAGS,why didn’t you trust your gut, girl, WTF are you thinking, hot messiness that 30 Something Senam has now found herself drowning in.
That’s one of the only pictures of I have of me in a very pretty dress and a broken spirit still shining like a beautiful bawse on the way to the dopest wedding that will ever BE, to reconfirm a very bad decision that was the walking, talking living breathing embodiment of Warsan Shire’s beautiful poem, 34 excuses for why we failed at love.
Years and years later, all the things my heart had whispered and my head had wondered that day were proven correct as I wept silently as my lady parts doctor quietly confirmed what my women’s intuition had already been screaming about my marriage.
And then shit really hit the fan… I tried to die and failed. I found Warsan Shire and those poem and decided to live. And I then understood the goodness of God and the power of grace, learned the 4 agreements, and miraculously found my self truly able to forgive everyone who play a part in my pain. Well everyone except for me.
You see my favorite of the 4 agreements was, “Take Nothing Personally” and chile that is a PREACH. I couldn’t take any of the massive, massive bullshit that went down personally so somehow I found myself free from anger about any of it…
I was not angry with my ex for any of the seemingly gazzilion ways he hurt me. I wasn’t mad at the side chicks. I wasn’t mad at the new chicks. I wasn’t mad at the friends and family who chucked me the deuces when I decided to live my life with an honesty that shone a light too bright for their own personal darkness. I forgave them all way before they’ll ever give me any of the apologies I no longer need…
But despite accepting all those apologies received or not,There was one apology that I received repeatedly and needed completely but I could not accept.
You see after all hell broke loose in my life, I began to apologize to myself for the responsibility I had for the state of tomfoolery I found my life in. We all have to take full responsibility for the messes we make or allow others to leave in our lives.
I would beg me to forgive me cause I knew I needed it but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t because I was pisseeedddd to the highest level of pissitivity at nobody BUT me.
SistaTV presents the SistaTV Self-Talk Show:
ME: I’m so sorry, Senam.
Also ME: FUCK YOU and ya sorry. You should have known! HOW could you not have known!
ME: I’m soo sorry, Senam.
Also ME:Save ya raggedy ass sorries. Sorry can’t give me shit. #forcoloredgurlswhogottiredofsorrycausetheworldhadgiventhemtoomuchshit
ME: Senam, Please, please I need you to forgive me. I’m so so sorry.
Also Me: I hate you.
Ya’ll I was mad at me. I took that shit EXTRAL personal because shit a it was me!! I was fucking livid with myself because more than I was disappointed in the destruction of my whole life. I was so terribly disappointed in how deeply I had let myself down. It don’t get no more personal than that…
The thing about me is when you really get down to it a lot of my life all I ever had was ME. And I held ME DOWN (in the good way)! I always had my own back no matter what. This is not to say I haven’t had amazing help and significant support in so many ways from so many wonderful people in my life. That is just to say is that when push comes to shove and where the rubber meets the road I, just like you, am the only one responsible for my life and its outcomes. You are 100% responsible for you. No hero. Nobody just you and your own personal responsibility to always, always be the only one who you can count on to do what is best for you and the life you want to lead.
And up until this point I had done pretty darn well by myself except for this one thing… When I realized how completely I had failed myself at this thing that I had always believed I desperately needed to get 100% right. I found it completely impossible to forgive myself. How could I? I had given my whole entire self over to this one thing because This was my forever. This was my future. This was my whole life. My best thing and because I didn’t trust my gut enough to demand better for myself I would lose everything I had ever wanted. There was no turning back and nowhere to go and it was all my stupid, stupid fault.
In those moments I felt so hopeless. So broken. So lost. So imaginE my surprise when I found a long, long, since forgotten about email account and somehow found my way.
You may or may not know this about me but I’ve been documenting my life in some way shape or form online since I first had constant access to the internet. I built my first website for myself in 1998 with flashies and blinkies and glitter and html that I learned from learning how to AskJeeves to google the web before there was a Google to google. After that I had a little journal on friendster and then myspace and then long before SistaTV.com. There was a Blogspot blog that I started as “Black BuddahFly” long before full time blogger was a billion dollar business.
Back then I chose to write about my life and my loves, as a way to sort out my confusions about what to do then but it wasn’t until 30something Senam stumbled across the words of 20something Senam had written with such fearless candor, that I finally understood.
You see 20 something Senam had done a really great job for herself. She knew what she wanted out of life and had taken the responsibility to get as much of that as she can. But there was one thing that she needed that left a hole so great in her spirit that she gave up everything, ignored her gut, and made the choices she made because she was so needfully hopeful that somehow it would finally give her some semblance of the one thing that she wanted more than she wanted anything else….
I was almost rabid
Would’ve lunged at any thing
thrown my way
carcass, shadow, memory, promise
shell of a man.
I thought it was better
to be loved by a dead thing
than to be left alone.
I stayed up all night that night. I read my old blogs, old poems, old email exchanges, old status updates, old journal entries. I looked at all the pictures and all the broken pieces that 20 something year old Senam had left for 30 something me and I put us back together.
That night I t finally got it… As 30 something year old Senam the conqueror sat there silently weeping for the broken-hearted girl I once was…. I finally understood the divinity in the disappointment.
I realized that yes I probably knew then that what I know now but I didn’t choose better for myself because what you can convince yourself to believe when you are broken is 100 million miles away from what you KNOW once you are finally healed.
So, I finally forgave 20 something Senam and told her exactly what 30 something me finally knew on the day I decided to fight the fight of my life and honor myself enough get out of the mess 20 something Senam had made and get into the life I’m divinely ordered to lead.
Senam, You are worthy.
Senam, You are enough.
Senam, I forgive you and
Senam, I love you.
Forever and ever.
At last, I forgave 20 something Senam, healed her broken heart and gave her the true love she had mistakenly tried to find outside of herself once and for all . And now and forevermore she, me, her and all the 40 something Senams all the way down to 220 something year old Senams to come are finally, finally free to spread our wings and fly toward the sweetest thing we’ve ever known.